Hi!
So as the title suggests, this was supposed to be a 2019 review post. I started writing since 2 Nov 2019 and somehow managed to procrastinate till mid 2020. Good job Tracey! But no joke, 2019 has crazy and it's too much for me to actually write everything down in a clear format because everything was just so jumbled up. So I'm gonna do a TD;LR for now and the long version I will edit it whenever I feel like it.
TD;LR
- Tri 1 was not too bad I guess other than siyue being a weird 35yo freak who is interested in me.
- Tri 2 was when everything went downhill.
- I completely stopped chanting during the June holidays till about mid July.
- Met N through friends. Ended within 3 weeks of dating due to miscommunication that dragged on till Dec. Until now, I still haven't quite gotten the full picture and how things ended up this way.
- I lost my friendship with Junwei, and partly Sean? From their POV, ever since coming to Australia, I've changed and I neglected the friendship and was pretty much using my looks to get favours from guys.
- Because of whatever happened, I wasn't able to manage my mental health and I self-diagnosed that I have high-functioning depression. With Yanchao's encouragement, I started seeing a counsellor through my uni's free services. Things kinda got better? And basically, I put my self-worth on the people around me and so once that is gone, I go into a state where I question my identity and every other philosophical shit.
That's as summarised I can be. I'm currently still trying to get better mentally and this COVID-19 shit is not of the best. For those who are struggling as well, just know that you're not alone.
Tracey :)
Grandmother story ahead!!! (You can skip for now)
Feels so weird to be writing again but 2019 has been a mess and I think it's high time I took the time and effort to record everything down to kinda serve as a reminder.
2019 is like a roller coaster. Well, come to think of it, every year is like a roller coaster. But this year, the ride was crazier than ever. New environment, new friends, crazy workload, missing my family and friends - these are just scratching the tip of the iceberg.
Trimester 1
In week 3, the homesickness suddenly kicked in. I went to uni on Thurs to help out in some VR bioclimatic research and the VR gave me massive motion sickness so I went to the park opposite uni to chill before heading home. I don't know what came over me but I just started crying uncontrollably. Thankfully, there wasn't anyone there so I can save myself some embarrassment. I started to question why I'm here in Geelong and thinking about how much I like the city. Even the Soka group meetings are not encouraging/motivating me and my group leader didn't even reach out to me to welcome me to Geelong. I had thoughts of moving to the city for my masters because I wanna run away from this godforsaken place. But thinking about the tuition fees just made me sadder.
I went home to chant and my mood improved in a couple of days. Mystically, answers to why I'm here in Geelong started appearing in my life. I decided to stay in Geelong for my masters. I firmly believe that my mission is here in Geelong. Precisely because it is outside my comfort zone, all the more I should stay here and overcome it!
The rest of T1 went by pretty well. I scored HD, HD, D, C. Just a couple of days I wanna have someone by my side. There were people who were interested in me but I only see them as a bro/comrade. But sometimes, just sometimes when I feel lonely, I did consider if I should just give it a try. But it just didn't sit well inside of me.
Trimester 2 - When I met N
If anything, T2 was the climax of the roller coaster ride.
The holidays came by. I fell and injured my right foot. I was homebound. Although I was planning our very first Geelong study campaign in July, I wasn't chanting on my own the entire June and even into July when school started. This was the pot of hot mess that put me in my lowest life condition. To make things worse, I met N and made out with him during Yan's 21st birthday. It was unintentional but at the end of the day, I didn't push him away. He texted me the next day to ask if we could hang and I told him I wasn't interested in a committed relationship and that we should remain as friends. We talked a while more and it just faded out because "why would a guy continue talking to you if he knows there is no possibility?". How typical...
When school started, I felt highly unmotivated. I just really wanted to go back to Singapore. And when there was a chance to go club again, I quickly jumped onto it. Roy's birthday in week 3 was the perfect chance. I wasn't sure if I will see N there but I just wanted to have fun and forget about this empty feeling inside me. And well, obviously, he appeared coz Simp called him. Lol. Damn, his perfume smell so good.
I stuck to Dinesh and Harith cause I felt really awkward every time I made eye contact with N. At one point, I suddenly became really dizzy so we went to rest at the table. But I was gone from the dance floor for too long, and everyone started pulling me back. Somehow, while dancing, I ended up beside N. I leaned onto him for the majority of the time and as usual, he took care of me and helped me reject drinks. At one point, 'Fix You' by Coldplay was on. He sang "and I'm gonna try to get you" to me. My heart skipped a beat. We were hugging. I vaguely remember kissing his neck but we didn't make out. At least not until two other friends started to. He just carried me and I hugged him like a koala bear. We survived the night without puking. The rest went to the Airbnb first. We went for supper. He sent me to Airbnb. Side note: he could have just brought me back with him and I even suggested it to him but he just dismissed my suggestion and insisted on bringing me to Airbnb. That night I knew he was different.
For the next few days, I couldn't keep my eyes off my phone. I was constantly checking if he had replied me during his work break. And although our conversations weren't anything special, his name always gave me the butterflies. And the sweet little things he says would brighten my day. But at the back of my mind, I constantly doubted if he was only saying nice things to get into my pants. Yet, the connection I feel with him felt so real.
We went on a road trip to Anglesea on 24 July. The view was amazing and I felt so at peace with myself. I felt like I can be myself when I'm with N. The more I hang with him, the more I feel real. Or was I putting myself in a fantasyland? That night, we watched a movie Stuber after dinner and we bumped into Darren and Nicky. We were holding hands at first and I instinctively let go for fear that people would talk. But we were gonna go drink together with them, Simp and Roy as well. I couldn't have hidden it for long anyways. That night, I was so clingy. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want the night to end. That night, he sent me home and we started making out in the car for a good 2 hours. I felt light. I felt euphoric. I felt like I'm on top of the world. Just like that song by Hailee Steinfeld, I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you.
On 28 July, there was a house party at Simp's place and they invited N as well. Again, high me equals clingy me. But was I always this clingy? I don't remember. Besides, Jia never let me drink till I was high so I guess I will never know. N booked a hotel so that he can go back to Melb city the next day instead. I stayed over with him but nothing happened cause I was having Nigeria Falls down under. How unfortunate, I thought to myself. Sadly, I couldn't afford to continue daydreaming with him as my submissions are in 24 hours and I have a presentation that next day. But, well, he did stay with me while I was rushing through them and he helped me with my model as well. Thankfully, I could catch a couple of hours of sleep before the presentation. We both snuggled up on Simp's couch. It was so goddamn cold that night but yet my heart was really warm.
I flunked my presentation. I wanted to cry so bad. My friends all doubted me when I said I might fail. Nah, your standard isn't that bad, you won't fail. That just made me feel like I can't share my true feelings with anyone. What made things worst was N went back to Melb city without saying bye to me face to face and I really needed a hug so bad... I went back to Simp's place to get my stuff. The moment I was alone in the room, I just cried uncontrollably. I just needed to release all the tension within myself. I went to Dex's place to find the rest after that and they asked me if I wanted to go to Melb city with them. Just to chill and get our minds away from all this stress. I agreed and told N about it. He said he would come to find me. When we met, he did not ask me about my presentation. For some reason, I was glad he didn't ask me because I think I would have cried at the sheer thought of it. N did exactly what I needed that night, without me saying anything. It felt like he knew my heart. I was just very thankful for that night.
Fast forward to term break, I stayed over at his place for the weekend as I had Soka meetings and was gonna head back to Geelong on Tuesday. We had sex. I used to think sex was nothing special, maybe even boring, and it was something to please only guys. But N changed my impression of it. He helped me finish even after he was done. He knew what to do to get me on. I always wondered what it would be like to be high on pills. I think that was the closest. But if you ask me what does orgasm feels like, I have no idea. I feel like I can go higher.
I was so happy I wanted to share them with my friends. I texted at least 10 friends about it. I was just so happy. But slowly, opinions and advice started flowing in. He is Thai, you're Singaporean. Where are you guys gonna settle down after graduating? Are you getting PR? blah blah blah... I got stuck in this sea of thoughts. I felt so unsupported. I felt so alone. I just wanted to have fun and be happy. But I didn't know how to express these feelings and I wanted to be socially pleasing. In the midst of this, I didn't have to go back to Geelong on Tuesday anymore and could stay till Friday instead. N convinced me to stay longer so that we could spend more time together. Looking back, it was an unwise decision because he has to work on Wednesday and Thursday and won't be home till 11pm. In the midst of these thoughts, what could have been precious time spent together, I wasn't present with N. I wasn't in the mood to talk or to do anything. I couldn't get out of my thoughts and worrying about how others would look at me. That night became a huge wedge between us.
Thursday night broke everything. N came home around 11pm as usual. He got dinner for me and I was eating while he washed up to get ready for bed. However, N's friends kept calling him to hang. He went at around 1230am and told me he would be back in 1+h. Okay go have fun, I said. But the more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I texted him, it feels like we are didn't even spend any time together. He apologised that he was busy at work. But it wasn't about whether he was working. I just ignored him and continued watching Big Bang Theory. Soon, it was 3am. I texted him to let him know that I was gonna go sleep as I have waited long enough. When he reached home, I was actually still awake but pretended to be sleeping. He washed up and joined me in bed. Hi. Hi. Hi? I guess he knew I wasn't asleep and kept poking me to get a response. He gave up and decided to hug me to sleep. I was boiling inside and his body heat to making it worst. I snapped, WHAT?! I pushed him away and went to sleep for good. The next day we didn't talk much over lunch. He sent me to Southern Cross and I went back to Geelong just in time for work. On the way to SC, I asked N, what are we? He responded, I don't know, what do you think? I felt so lost. I felt scared. I was thrown back to the sea of thoughts from Tuesday.
What happened on Thursday night bothered me so much. But I didn't know what to do. My gut has been telling me to talk to him, but I have been ignoring it throughout the week. I felt that I was in no position to voice my feelings and that I would be overbearing if I did. Another voice kept telling me that we aren't that close yet to be talking about such issues within us. Yan told me to call N to talk about it. I suggested to call N a couple of times but he kept saying he is busy and would call me the next day. No call. Monday came, the same thing again. I was so salty and petty.
I will call you tomorrow, don't miss me too much okay?
I wanna call is not coz I miss you. I have something I wanna talk to you about.
Um, okay. I'll call you tomorrow. Nights
I apologised to N the next day for being so sarcastic. He said to forget about it. We talked about other stuff, just to move on from that sensitive topic. My last reply to him was around 8pm. 11pm came around, he hasn't read the message. He didn't have work that day. He could have replied me. He was avoiding me. I decided to listen to my friends and not text him first. Looking back now, how childish...
He ghosted me for 2 days. I had enough. I went ahead to text him first to end things with him. I was hasty. I was reckless. I just wanted my singular peace again. Relief rushed in but after hearing Dinesh giving me a guy's pov, I wanted to turn back time so badly and do it all over again. I realised that his plate could have been already filled and my overflowing emotions may have just hit the limit and overwhelmed him and his defensive mechanism is to avoid it as a whole and what better way than to simply cut contact?
I was upset. I was angry. I wanted to move on but I couldn't get any closure. My friends kept saying like as though it's easy but the more I tried to not think about him, the more he was on my mind. If he posted a story, I would click on it so fast. I was hoping he would give me a hint through his stories. What naive optimistic.
I decided to write a letter to him as a final way to seek closure for myself. I procrastinate for 2 weeks. I kept telling myself I'm feeling better now without N. I don't actually need to write that letter anymore. But I eventually plucked the courage and wrote it anyways. A couple days later, I saw that he moved apartment. So I used that as an excuse to meet him to get my stuff back. He responded and I gave him dates that I will be heading down to city. He said he would let me know when he is available. Again, I'm on the waiting end.
Soon, it was submission period and I was into exercising to cut some weight. I was always in school and alternate days at the gym. But I kept using Junwei's or Harith's key and one of the nights, Junwei just flipped. The way he texted is different. I asked Sean and Harith but they both said maybe he is tired. Hmm, okay sure. I stopped going gym unless they invited me to go together. But that air of awkwardness didn't float away.
On 11 Oct, I went clubbing with Yan, Dinesh, Harith, Junwei, and Rayson. Junwei kept saying "I love you guys" Harith whispered to me "see, he is okay with you" well, obviously it's drunk talk so I didn't think much of it. One of the songs that were playing had lyrics that went "do what your heart wants". I asked Harith and I told him that I miss N. He was too high to stop me and I ended up drunk texting N. Hahaha what's new Tracey? But because of that drunk courage, I finally could meet him again. I could get my stuff back as the last excuse to meet him. I wanted to talk to him but I was scared. Scared of what I might do, what he might do, what we may end up with.
Jocelyn, Shimmy, and Chai came with me to meet N. I wrote him another letter so I gave him that instead. When I met N, I really wanted to hold his hand one last time, touch his face one last time, smell his familiar scent one last time, hug him one last time. But I know I shouldn't and I couldn't bring other words out of me and I'm sorry for that. I thought I was braver than that. But I'm glad I at least gave you the letter so that maybe it could help give you closure as well. I deleted Line and unfollowed N that night. But yet I found myself refreshing the page, hoping to see N popping on my feed. I was hoping N would reach out to me. I'm not quite sure why I couldn't fully let go.
[I met N 2 more times after that incident before coming back to Singapore. If I feel like it, I will write everything down but as you can see, the story is already fucking long and pointless tbh. HAHA]
So, after coming back to Singapore and being physically away from all the toxicity, I could see very clearly that if all these were to happen in Singapore, I wouldn't have been this attached to N. Simply put, I couldn't let him go was because I didn't wanna go back to feeling lonely again. On hindsight now, 有钱就是不一样. Dates are so different and the way he spoils me is honestly like what will happen in dramas. It was nice while it lasted.
A friendship I couldn't keep
